Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career
choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and
you can set your own hours. However every Evil
Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies
invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end.
I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian
lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien
invaders, they always seem to make the same basic
mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever
happen to become an Evil Overlord:

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear
plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl
through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will
be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a
forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will
not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the
River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It
will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to
the object that is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament
before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look,
before you kill me, will you at least tell me what
this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No,
on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be
married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a
lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the
final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless
absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not
be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push".
The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead
trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to
disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not
clearly be labeled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner
sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will
work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I
will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the
form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to
show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average
five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is
able to spot will be corrected before implementation.


13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least
have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them,
not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The
announcement of their deaths, as well as any
accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after
the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last
cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital
countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely
unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the
counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his
plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill
you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will
occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably
under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily
fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a
crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as
beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's
rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will
not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied,
it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a
more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.


21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create
original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed
to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi
storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol
hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my
troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of
unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field
bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons
and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if
the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator
and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons
useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful
of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my
strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some
of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter
the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!"
(After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never
construct any sort of machinery which is completely
indestructible except for one small and virtually
inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the
rebellion are, there is probably someone just as
attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore,
I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to
my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important.
All important systems will have redundant control
panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will
always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all
times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from
which it cannot escape and into which I could not
accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so
throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent
bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be
preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up
and abandon their quest if they have no source of
comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will
be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who
will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or
romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger
who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I
really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my
organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale
is better with a more casual dress code. Similarly,
outfits made entirely from black leather will be
reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they
made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look
like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in
the same cellblock, let alone the same cell. If they
are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to
the cell door on my person instead of handing out
copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of
Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After
all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger
sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and
have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for
them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance
towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will
certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of
Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among
his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I
have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as
early and as often as possible instead of keeping it
in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those
pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also
get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly
cute little animal capable of untying ropes and
filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism
when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she
is attracted to my power and good looks and will
gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on
my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for
money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt
tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the
other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of
who is responsible for what in my organization. For
example, if my general screws up I will not draw my
weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price
for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random
underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one
man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply
"This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest
to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a
callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through
magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if
the control is ever broken, it will not immediately
come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact
which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops
out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize
something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local
paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special
operating system that will be completely incompatible
with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing
concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess'
cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less
people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects
and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of
any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might
not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says
"I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me,
NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being
then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel
like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will
have their place in my Legions of Terror. However
before I send them out on important covert missions
that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if
there is anyone else equally qualified who would
attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic
marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized
target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.


57. Before employing any captured artifacts or
machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never
stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter
than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked
to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he
breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be
used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything
on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I
have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or
protruding structural supports which intruders could
use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators,
not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none
of that nonsense about flames going through accessible
tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured
of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre
compulsive habits which could prove to be a
disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with public ally
available terminals, the maps they display of my
complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main
Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber.
The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage
Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint
scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence
of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then
subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence
will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system,
my guards will be instructed to treat every
surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale
emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in
the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages
others to do so. However, the offer is good one time
only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd
better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All
babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals.
Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned
in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders,
they will always travel in groups of at least two.
They will be trained so that if one of them disappears
mysteriously while on patrol, the other will
immediately initiate an alert and call for backup,
instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see
if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will
have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the
answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a
strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out
a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable
superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they
win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure
me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan
designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily
understand the details, I will not label the disk
"Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my
desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the
hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting
while members break off and attack one or two at a
time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up
after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push
him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the
edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over
a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)


77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide
to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my
trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to
wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of
earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must
be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take
him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a
reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it
will be melted down and made into limited-edition
commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I
will send out my best troops instead of wasting time
with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and
closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving
platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish
him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too
will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around
to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are
standing in front of the crucial support beam to a
heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in
his goblet, then have to leave the table for any
reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead
of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.


84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by
members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is
horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of
Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion
at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be
more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to
code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered
when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways
above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I
will not berate them for incompetence then send the
same group out to try the task again.

89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will
not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard
because I believe whoever holds the weapon is
unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I
took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that
every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in
exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal
grooming or current entertainment is finished. It
might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will
not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged
perseverance has given me new insight on the futility
of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a
few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return
to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly
gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero
and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see
to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow
them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely
sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical
staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner
becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an
emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead
of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that
blasting the control panel on the outside seals the
door and blasting the control panel on the inside
opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with
objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything
that can be unraveled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I
will carefully monitor their activities. If I find
they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them.
However if circumstance have forced them together
against their will and they spend all their time
bickering and criticizing each other except during the
intermittent occasions when they are saving each
others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual
tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded
to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked
in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with
free unlimited Internet access.

101. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill
the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do
it myself.

102. I will not waste time making my enemy's death
look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone
and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

103. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning
of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them
any.

104. My undercover agents will not have tattoos
identifying them as members of my organization, nor
will they be required to wear military boots or adhere
to any other dress codes.

105. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I
must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make
sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret
his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.


106. If my supreme command center comes under attack,
I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared
escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will
not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum
to attempt this.

107. Even though I don't really care because I plan on
living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to
build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain,
it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural
reason.

108. Any and all magic and/or technology that can
miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has
given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be
outlawed and destroyed.

109. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in
strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander
shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square
of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the
secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion,
etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the
real thing ever comes along.

110. I will not employ devious schemes that involve
the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before
the trap is sprung.

111. I will offer oracles the choice of working
exclusively for me or being executed.

112. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable"
spells that can be neutralized by relatively
inconspicuous talismen.

113. I will make the main entrance to my fortress
standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high
double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are
hard to close quickly in an emergency.

114. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

115. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until
all my soldiers are dead.

116. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it
in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few
token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go
off as soon as it clears the blast-range.

117. No matter how much I want revenge, I will never
order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"

118. If I have equipment which performs an important
function, it will not be activated by a lever that
someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when
fatally wounded.

119. I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a
venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up
accidentally killing one of my clumsy hencemen
instead.

120. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero
defeating you with basic math skills, all of my
personal weapons will be modified to fire one more
shot than the standard issue.

121. If I come into possession of an artifact which
can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not
attempt to use it regardless.

122. The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate
enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each
other.

123. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to
the general public, contestants will be required to
remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards
before entering.

124. Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and
forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his
offspring and make sure that he has neither a
beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk
anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who
works in the same field but had a falling-out with his
father many years ago.

125. Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an
elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling
up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will
not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to
"imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage
point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy
watching my adversary's demise.

126. Rather than having only one secret escape pod,
which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll
simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him
off track.

127. Prison guards will have their own cantina
featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will
deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards
will also be informed that accepting food or drink
from any other source will result in execution.

128. I will not employ robots as agents of destruction
if there is any possible way that they can be
re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally
mounted and easily removable.

129. Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two
heroes to fight each other in the arena.

130. All members of my Legions of Terror will have
professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a
soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor
fit will give him away.

131. I will never place the key to a cell just out of
a prisoner's reach.

132. Before appointing someone as my trusted
lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background
investigation and security clearance.

133. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my
fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have
her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are
easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next
one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.

134. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is
pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not
wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try
to force him off the road as he attempts to climb
aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's
directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of
physics can prove quite useful.)

135. My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced
technological device called a capacitor in case
someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last
second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced
technology, I will include a back-up device known as a
battery.)

136. If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which
wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every
wire red.

137. Before spending available funds on giant
gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically
intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if
there are any valid military expenditures that could
use the extra budget.

138. The passageways to and within my domain will be
well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the
spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security
patrols will be more effective.

139. If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap,
start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland
creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to
be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the
foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will
break out the napalm.)

140. I will instruct my guards when checking a cell
that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the
chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has
escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If
the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner
is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them
with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir
(in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and
poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in
entering.

141. As an alternative to not having children, I will
have lots of children. My sons will be too busy
jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and
the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts
to win the hero.

142. If I have children and subsequently
grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old
granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero
enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to
her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa.
When the hero launches into an explanation of morality
way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the
lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After
all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as
Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality
time with the grandkids.

143. If one of my daughters actually manages to win
the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her
on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate
the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will
probably be enough to break up the relationship. If
not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my
Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in
his honor.

144. I will order my guards to stand in a line when
they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them
accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some
to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot
jump out of the way.

145. My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed
pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they
are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of
prisoners know Morse code.

146. If my surveillance reports any un-manned or
seemingly innocent ships found where they are not
supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized
instead of brought in for salvage.

147. I will classify my lieutenants in three
categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely
trusted. Promotion to the third category will be
awarded posthumously.

148. Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on
a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I
will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make
sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.

149. Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be
tied next to open windows or staircases, and
chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the
ceiling.

150. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight
one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your
armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just
sensible."

151. If I make a zombie out of one of the heroes,
rather than killing him, I will not put him in a
position where he will make ANY contact with his
friends, lest he remember them and turn against me, or
they learn how to free all my zombies by freeing him.


152. If I corrupt any of the heroes and turn them to
the "Dark Side," I will not tell them to prove their
loyalty by killing their former friends or family
members.

HOLY crap think of a few more things cause i just fused the item of greatest weakness with your item of ultimate strength to neutralize you & make you normal.

So item 153. Is I will not make 152 items thus allowing me to be pwned cakes

Wall of text crits you.
You die.

So hows that whole list of 152 things working out for ya Sel ?